demiurgent (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
demiurgent) wrote2003-02-11 09:44 am
demiurgent) wrote2003-02-11 09:44 am
One thing...
Something Frank said to me makes it clear I didn't make something clear last night with my shining moment of happiness. Let me clarify it as completely as possible.
I have friends. And family. Both of whom love me very much. And yes, it would matter to them if I lived or died, very much. Folks like Frank himself, and his wife, and my old friends John and John. Folks like Mason and Chris and Jon and Russ and Carol. Several other Chrises and a plethora of Beckis and Rebeccas. And my parents and sister and nieces. And a passel of others who I don't mean to insult by not naming.
I didn't mean to insult any of them by minimizing how they would feel. I said I wasn't suicidal last night, and I'm not. Part of the reason is because I know they love me, and someone who has the love of friends and family has literally too much to live for. Part of the reason is because I love them, and couldn't cause them that kind of pain.
No, the point of last night wasn't that I wanted to die. I've felt that way, I admit. I've even felt it recently, in a very passive way. The point was, and is, that my life as it is stands for nothing. I have built nothing for the future. I have nothing to show for the past. I have no children to follow me nor wife to share life with me. My quality of life, physically, is dismel. And I just don't enjoy my life like I have in the past.
And, if I were to be hit by a bus on my way into work, it would be very painful for a lot of people, but there would be no substantial change to how even my local world works. That is the point. It is not that I do not have people who care. It is that I live a life that is fundamentally unnecessary to anyone except my cat. It is that the life I have made for myself, the work I perform in it, the dreams I still manage to have lack any fundamental point, beyond that if I didn't do these things, someone else would have to.
Perhaps this is a self-centered, even pitiful reaction. I don't deny that. No one ever accused the person having the breakdown of being very balanced or fair in his views. But in the end, what I have, especially now, is the self. And that is who and what I must live with.
So, you ask. Your life is pointless, Mister Man. What do you intend to do about it?
Isn't that just the question, eh?
I have friends. And family. Both of whom love me very much. And yes, it would matter to them if I lived or died, very much. Folks like Frank himself, and his wife, and my old friends John and John. Folks like Mason and Chris and Jon and Russ and Carol. Several other Chrises and a plethora of Beckis and Rebeccas. And my parents and sister and nieces. And a passel of others who I don't mean to insult by not naming.
I didn't mean to insult any of them by minimizing how they would feel. I said I wasn't suicidal last night, and I'm not. Part of the reason is because I know they love me, and someone who has the love of friends and family has literally too much to live for. Part of the reason is because I love them, and couldn't cause them that kind of pain.
No, the point of last night wasn't that I wanted to die. I've felt that way, I admit. I've even felt it recently, in a very passive way. The point was, and is, that my life as it is stands for nothing. I have built nothing for the future. I have nothing to show for the past. I have no children to follow me nor wife to share life with me. My quality of life, physically, is dismel. And I just don't enjoy my life like I have in the past.
And, if I were to be hit by a bus on my way into work, it would be very painful for a lot of people, but there would be no substantial change to how even my local world works. That is the point. It is not that I do not have people who care. It is that I live a life that is fundamentally unnecessary to anyone except my cat. It is that the life I have made for myself, the work I perform in it, the dreams I still manage to have lack any fundamental point, beyond that if I didn't do these things, someone else would have to.
Perhaps this is a self-centered, even pitiful reaction. I don't deny that. No one ever accused the person having the breakdown of being very balanced or fair in his views. But in the end, what I have, especially now, is the self. And that is who and what I must live with.
So, you ask. Your life is pointless, Mister Man. What do you intend to do about it?
Isn't that just the question, eh?