They're winning.

If whoever’s attacking the school is reading this, congratulations. You’re very clever indeed. You’re quite good at moving to new fronts.

I hate you. I didn’t think myself capable of hate, but I hate you. I could do violence to you, so easily. I could break your bones, I could listen to you cry, I could watch you suffer and feel nothing. Nothing but a cold emptiness, and I already have this.

This is the final breaking point, and whoever’s doing it has no idea. He doesn’t even care. Seven gives you ten it’s all a joke.

My health is nonexistent. My professional life is dark. My options are negligible. I have to sit, and wait, for others to do the things that are necessary.

I have my family. I have my friends. I am not alone. I will not hurt all of them, and they will not let me fall into darkness.

Which is damn good, because I figure my only other option is to drive out onto the ice and wait.

Things are better, thanks to the guys.

Van and Frob came over. Van bore a book and stuff from Travis. Frob wore a turtle on his head. They brought chocolate milk and cotton candy in a bag.

We talked for a long time. Largely about Canadian politics.

Things are better.

A brief check in before passing back out

The rattily plumed hackers of the serengti kept up their felonious assaults through much of the night. I finally went to bed at 2:30 in the am, and then the ISP called me at 4:30. Things seem okay today, but I am about to go back to sleep. Still, I wanted to let folks know the end of what was going on.

It may seem odd that these attacks were driving me into the abyss last night. Well, it wasn’t so much the scriptkiddies as it was... well, everything. I’ve been at a low ebb of late, between job pressures (including several things I really can’t discuss on a public forum), health issues, good old fashioned physical pain, the stirrings of mid-life crises, the incredibly nebulous “hurry up and wait” aspect of the oncoming surgery, and so on, and so forth.

So I hit the break-point last night. Hit it hard. Hit it harder than I have since I was a teenager, perhaps. When I was in my early 20’s and barely surviving in Ithaca, I never got this low. When I first lived in Seattle, with no job or income or prospects, and finally reached the point of stealing graham cracker crumbs and milk from Bill and Dominic to eat before getting my job, I never got this low. The only reason I got this low as a teenager is because everyone gets this low as a teenager.

So, it wasn’t DDoS attacks that had me so low. It was convergence. Too many things, too little signs of hope. So I became truly hopeless in the first time in a very long time. Driving out onto the ice seemed a viable alternative.

So, I did the act of the person who is not truly suicidal even if that seems the solution. I called my parents, and let it all out with them, and they listen and supported and talked. And then I went online and did the same with a group of friends. And then Van and Frob (it’s like a code!) came over and sat and chatted with me and we made jokes about Brian Mulrooney and Joe Clark.

When your life seems hopeless, hope comes in the guise of friend with a turtle on his head.

So now I’m going back to sleep. I mean, Jesus.

Belladerma Mark I am I

Dorm Duty

This is the first time this year I’m on Dorm Duty. This is a nice affair, actually -- you get to know the kids at least somewhat, you mind the store while the honor’s list kids study in their rooms, keep track of those who sign out for a night out, and make sure they pretend to go to bed when they’re supposed to. I’ve done it in years past but haven’t done it this year until now.

There’s some risk, given my health, about doing this, but in part what I’m doing is defiant. By God, I might be going through any number of things right now, but I’m still going to do some of the things that you do in life.

Plus, they pay me. Of course.

Perks of Dorm Duty

Should you be on Dorm Duty and discover you haven’t properly eaten dinner, you can send a senior to the snack bar to get food for you. It’s like having a minion without having to track 401k matching!

(no subject)

Huh. It’s kind of nice to see a happy bouncing kitten next to my mood for a change. The kittens have been pretty down lately.

But I guess you all figured that out for yourselves.