Oddities of the maturation process

[demiurgent]

Somewhere along the line, I started to become a prude.

I don't know when it happened, and it doesn't apply to other people. I'm a huge proponent of 'live your life as you choose.' I think sexual self-expression is something each person decides for themselves, and unless said people show up on your doorstep in saran wrap carrying a whip and asking to use your candles, it's crass and mean to inflict your views of what's appropriate on them. I think the idea that the FCC took Janet Jackson's enpierced breast as a call to arms while cheerfully accepting the greatest consolidation and attempted deregulation of media oversight in history is the saddest media story of the last year.

But for me, personally, somewhere along the line I became a prude.

There's a time in your life when sex is its own justification. It's exciting. You yearn for it. When you get it, you strut a little. You get smug with it, you get forlorn without it. It defines your view of the world.

I don't know, maybe it's after a one night stand where you feel vaguely... stupid the next day. Or maybe it comes from body modesty issues. Or maybe it's because as you get older, you get stupider. I don't know.

Over the weekend, at the con, I had a couple of... well, let's call them opportunities. There was a girl I met at a party. She was absolutely beautiful, and I hugely enjoyed talking with her, and she seemed to enjoy talking to me. She wasn't a current reader of Websnark or the like -- it was literally just this woman. And while she might or might not have actually been interested, the potential was there.

At 21... well, at 21 I was involved, so I would have flirted without intent, but I would definitely have flirted. At 27, I would have made overtures for negotiation. This time, I kept myself to 'friendly conversation.' And worked very very hard at keeping my eyes on her eyes. Not the easiest thing, given the costuming one comes to expect at SF convention.

Not too long ago, an intelligent, friendly, cheerful, and (yes) sexy woman I know teased me in electronic communication by saying "don't you wish you'd hit on me when you had the chance?" We bantered a bit after that -- friendly, you know?

But when I was in my twenties, I would have hit on her. Hopefully not too clumsily. I used to be relatively good at romantic flirtation, or so I've been told. (How can you ever know?) This time, though...

I don't know. There was no chance for a relationship -- just like a relationship was darned unlikely with the girl I met at said party over the weekend -- so the opening negotiation didn't even get started.

(Please note -- I'm seriously not saying either of these women would have actually been interested. I'm arrogant, but not deluded. They might have been or they might not have been. This is about me, not them. Which is a terribly male thing to say, isn't it?)

It just seems odd to me. About the only time I really get flirtatious these days are with women who I've either known for a long time (and who generally aren't available in the first place, which makes it a game instead of a negotiation) or responding to banter opened on their side, generally at a low level.

It's not that I've lost interest. I certainly haven't. But it's like...

I don't know. It's like I became a prude somewhere along the line. And I'm not entirely sure how that happened.

Comments

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Think of it as "being a gentleman." ;)

-TG

[wednesday]

*wince*

Eurgh. That way lies hand-kissing and stupid-ass hats with feathers on them and dumb tights at ren faires.

[the-gneech.livejournal.com]

Hey, it was just a suggestion! ;P

-TG

[wednesday]

Just so long as there's not dumb tights and hand kissing.

Some men can wear the hats.

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

You know, I was a professional Ren actor.

And I've been told I'm quite good at hand kissing. It's eye contact that makes the difference.

(See Weds -- see Weds get skeeved!)

[wednesday]

No, it's not the eye contact. It's what you have in the eyes at the time, which probably makes you the exception.

[corsetress.livejournal.com]

I have had my hand kissed by you (eons ago.......) and as I remember....... you were exemplary. It is the eye contact, and context that makes all the difference.

[cpip.livejournal.com]

Hey, some women like the hats with feathers. And a pair of legs that look good in tights. :p

[wednesday]

a) As I said somewhere else in here, some men can wear the hats;
b) *Dumb* tights. Like... shiny pink spandex tights, which isn't period.

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

Huuuurrrrr...

Yes, the "Solid Gold Dancer Lame" look, or the "shiny, shiny superhero tights under a crappy looking doublet" look are frightening things.

[wednesday]

They don't know that, underneath my crappy doublet, I'm secretly... D'ARTAGMAN!

[chanlemur.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, I have to kill you now.

[wednesday]

YAAAAAY -- wait.

[prodigal.livejournal.com]

Eurgh. That way lies hand-kissing and stupid-ass hats with feathers on them and dumb tights at ren faires.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

[wednesday]

The Igors of the world have never tried to get into your pants.

[archangelbeth]

I keep trying to get my spouse to wear the hat I insisted he get at a GenCon... *sniffle* I like those hats...

[wednesday]

Maybe it's not prudery so much as self-restraint? Like, now you have a better sense of where to file things?

[mckenzee.livejournal.com]

Good filing is a sign of maturity?

[pvenables.livejournal.com]

Is it perhaps because you know that the really good relationships come from knowing someone a little better than "Hey, I like the cut of your jib!" maybe?

In my experience (which is not to say expansive) "relationships" only ever sprung from an established friendship.

But then, I'm probably a prude too. ;)

[slog.livejournal.com]

I don't think you're a prude, just have a preference of a relationship with your sex. I consider that discerning, not prudish.

[dvandom.livejournal.com]

Yep. I agree with Sarah. You're ready to get married, dude. You've transitioned from wanting sex to wanting a wife. This is a good thing, because those who never make that transition tend not to have happy marriages in the long run.

[undauntra.livejournal.com]

I've got to agree here. You're sounding ready for marriage now. Also, you are an incredible flatterer; I don't think I've ever been described as "cheerful" before. :D

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

You are, if nothing else, cheerful. ;)

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

I think we would all need to feel a certain emotion for any woman who ended up my wife. Said emotion? "Pity."

[mrbankies.livejournal.com]

Oh please...

Pity the women who aren't smart enough to marry you, not the one who is.

[freakfest.livejournal.com]

Listen to MISter Bankert - he's right, you know.

[pyrephox.livejournal.com]

*gentle bap* Don't be silly. :) Admittedly, I only know you from a very limited perspective, but I'd say any woman would be lucky to have you, if she knew what was good for her.

[corsetress.livejournal.com]

Do I need to come up there and bop you in the noggin?! You know better. You know you know better. I guess you just need to hear it from those that love you. You were a gentleman. You have always been. Next time look at all the responce you get... just the numbers. damn you are loved. Silly Eric.

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

I do not deny that I am loved.

I simply know how much of a pain in the ass I am to live with. ;)

[corsetress.livejournal.com]

How would *you* know your a pain in the ass to live with? Has the kitty told you this? We are all PITA's in our own ways. With different quirks. That's what makes you speical. That's your magic.
I have cursed three men by living with them. All three have wanted to get rid of me and two have so far. so please my dear friend know that when I say with my whole heart................... the cat is lying.

[ericrowe.livejournal.com]

Flirtation with strangers is a slippery slope toward the unknown. Maybe it will be a relationship, or a fling, or a lasting friendship - or maybe you'll end up buried in a snowdrift, or spun out onto a frozen pond at the incline's base, listening to the sound of cracking ice around your wheels.

Good interpersonal skills are like a four-wheel-drive vehicle - you could use them to great advantage in negotiating the slippery slope in question, but there's still no guarantee that you won't hit a patch of ice and lose control. And wisdom, wisdom is like... I dunno, tire chains maybe? or a good set of antilock brakes? Something like that.

It's possible that I've been thinking too much about my truck this week...

[chadu.livejournal.com]

It's possible that I've been thinking too much about my truck this week...

You have. :)

Back away from the engine, Eric.

Slowly.

CU

[harukami]

I don't think you're a prude, I just think your stance on relationships has changed. :) I know that I'VE always preferred only dating people I can imagine a future with (hence my rather short list of girlfriends *g* But I'm happy about that) and I'll talk loudly about, oh, breasts and make crude jokes and generally not be prudish. It's because I'm going for something *else* in a relationship, and I figure that's what's up with you. :)

[could also be talking out her ass. *g*]

[tbutler.livejournal.com]

I think that hits the nail pretty much square on the head; interested in serious relationships rather than sex. I know that's my situation... unfortunately, I don't have much 'casual' contact with people in the neighborhood these days that could lead to a friendship that could develop into a serious relationship; and the casual flirting I'm so lousy at seems to be the other main way to start a friendship that could develop into something serious, and I friggin' loathe the singles scene.

Gah. Apologies for talking too much, this is supposed to be Sabre's show. :)

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

WELCOME TO PRUDELAND! AAAAHAHAHAAHAHA *cough* *hack* *ack ack ack* *pause* Er, sorry.

Personally, I think there's *nothing* wrong with being a prude. But then again, well...this is *me*.

Or maybe you get standards that one-night stands don't do anything for anymore.

Personally, if we're talking about open-mindedness, I think that the prude lifestyle should be more endorsed. Mwahaha.

I think I should stop before I get in trouble. :)

[tbutler.livejournal.com]

You mean you aren't already? :)

[genchaos.livejournal.com]

More trouble.

Narf.

Re: Oddities of the maturation process

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

i am not sure how this makes you a prude. sexual prudishness, for me, defines one's general attitude about sex, and it requires an excessive concern for sexual mores. somebody who doesn't jump at every chance for a one-night stand isn't necessarily a prude; maybe one-night stands don't do anything for the person. knowing that is a good thing. thinking about why it no longer appeals is useful. sounds to me like you've started to think about it. i'd encourage you to continue; i am big on self-knowledge, *grin*.

There's a time in your life when sex is its own justification. It's exciting. You yearn for it. When you get it, you strut a little. You get smug with it, you get forlorn without it. It defines your view of the world.

whoa. big brush there. broad generalizations are for people who can't write nuance. you're not one of those, are you? :)

This is about me, not them. Which is a terribly male thing to say, isn't it?

no. they might be saying the same thing in their LJ's right now. :) of course it's about you. it couldn't be about them, since you're not a mind reader.

[flit.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I think of prudes as being people who don't want *other* people to have sex, or who at the very least don't want anyone to mention sex to them.

Though I'm not sure I can think of a better word. Maybe French has some. :)

[freakfest.livejournal.com]

I would never, in a million years, consider you to be a prude, my dear. You have discerning taste, is all. And are one of the few people whose flirting prowess surpasses my own. Pure charm, Eric, you are pure charm.

*hearts* Eric

[corsetress.livejournal.com]

Ditto. Could not have said it better myself.

[ocarina.livejournal.com]

I don't have a naked or sex icon to post a comment here with! *eyes other posts*

I'm a prude, too! SUCH a prude. I like it when cameras pan away when people start kissing so I don't have to close my eyes! I do close my eyes when costume malfunctions occur (though that's the extent of my protest)! Oh wait, I'm not a prude, I just overly respect people's privacy, even fictional characters. At least I have my husband to blame for my decorum with other men.

Maybe you're just secretly married, too, and haven't told us, hmm? Don't get married to your job!!! Just cut off your hair and powder your face and wear a stiff corset and say you're married to the church of England or something... No, you won't get labeled a "queen", oh no! ;D