Maybe I have an idea.

[demiurgent]

Like all writers (well, if I can still call myself a stinkin' writer), I always have projects. Projects I started, projects I couldn't finish, projects that mean something and projects that mean nothing.

These days, of course, I've been fighting depression. And a big part of that depression is the waiting. The waiting seems to be lasting forever.

So I'm listing to This American Life, which referred me to Transom.org, which is a clearing house for information on the creation of radio documentaries. Or more importantly, audio documentaries.

And I thought for a bit about my life, and how I got to where I am, and how I need something to make me feel like I'm taking control of my life, taking control of my situation, taking control in a way that makes me feel good about myself.

So I'm thinking... if I can borrow the right equipment from the school... why couldn't I produce a radio documentary about all this. About how I got here, and the process itself. Getting up to speed on the documentary would give me drive in the beginning, and as the problems crop up I'd have an outlet for them, and a record of them, and I could interview the people in my life about... well, about me, and my heart troubles and my weight troubles and the surgery, and how this impacts them....

It sounds Narcissistic, and I suppose it is, but it could also be good.

And it would be writing. Writing that perhaps I can do. And even if no one wants to listen to it afterward, I would want to hear it. And I think maybe the people who have given so much and supported so much would want to too.

And, to be dark for a moment, if the worst happens and I die on the table or have complications or otherwise can't explain how I got to that point... it would be nice to have something they can listen to, to understand my hopes. To understand my pains and fears. To understand me.

I think that could be very nice. Maybe this is a good idea.

Comments

[sailormur.livejournal.com]

Forget whether it sounds narcissistic, it sounds like a great idea. And it sounds like an idea that will perhaps help you heal emotionally. I know that it cheers me up to focus on a project. Go for it!

[bruceb.livejournal.com]

I think it's an excellent idea.

[rabbi-thor.livejournal.com]

Cool idea, bro!

[freakfest.livejournal.com]

Not narcissistic at all, sweetie. Writing has always been an outlet, a distraction, and a joy for you (I believe). And radio documentary is such a neat idea, a different twist on journaling. Go for it! And hang in there . . . you can beat the evil depression monster . . . you're stronger than it is.

::big warm hugs::

[(Anonymous)]

Dear Eric,

If I remember correctly, you've been a big (public) radio fan...oh...forever. I'm not surprised you'd want to do this, and I don't think it's narcissisic at all. (Having been in radio myself for a short time, I'd love to get back into it in just about any capacity.)

This sounds tops, and I would gladly listen.

Andrea (wickedgoodgrrrl@yahoo.com)

documentary

[pir-anha.livejournal.com]

great idea. yes, i agree waiting is difficult -- which is why i don't do it. *little grin*. when my partner G was terminal, that's when i realized that what matters is what i do each day, not what i want to do in the future. since then my life has happened in the present, and i am much, much better for it. my life isn't at all what i imagined it would be 20 years ago. but it's much more my life, created bit by bit, every day, from small, conscious acts.

so i am all in favour of filling one's days with meaning, each day a little, rather than planning to some day do something really awesome, if only condition X is met... oh, and smell the narcissi -- it's that time, and they don't last long. :)