The rant of sick.
Apr. 22nd, 2003 12:05 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
demiurgentThis isn't a cry for help. This isn't the pit of despair. This isn't anything but what it is.
I can't take this any more. I'm ready to just die already. I'm sick of nausea. I'm sick of chemicals. I'm sick of odd fatigue. I'm sick of wondering every time I run out of breath if this is it, if it's back and the game's over. I'm sick of calling my doctor every week. I'm sick of waiting for surgery details that will never come. I'm sick of the drain. I'm sick of the exhaustion. I'm sick of the pain in my knees and back and feet. I'm sick of seeing what I've become when I look in the mirror. I'm sick of needing special treatment. I'm sick of needing, period.
When do you just say 'enough?' When is it noble to struggle and when is it noble to walk out onto the ice, sit and wait? When does nobility give way to pathos? To bathos?
I don't know. I just don't know.
Oh, and another freaking iPod's died on me. Just to add a little zeugma to this thing.
I can't take this any more. I'm ready to just die already. I'm sick of nausea. I'm sick of chemicals. I'm sick of odd fatigue. I'm sick of wondering every time I run out of breath if this is it, if it's back and the game's over. I'm sick of calling my doctor every week. I'm sick of waiting for surgery details that will never come. I'm sick of the drain. I'm sick of the exhaustion. I'm sick of the pain in my knees and back and feet. I'm sick of seeing what I've become when I look in the mirror. I'm sick of needing special treatment. I'm sick of needing, period.
When do you just say 'enough?' When is it noble to struggle and when is it noble to walk out onto the ice, sit and wait? When does nobility give way to pathos? To bathos?
I don't know. I just don't know.
Oh, and another freaking iPod's died on me. Just to add a little zeugma to this thing.
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(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 09:57 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 10:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 12:31 pm (UTC)I know you're not really near Dover, but being that close I will thing extra special happy thoughts in your direction.
Love,
Mel :)
PS: More hugs. And I totally agree with the comment below that with your anger and depression and your emotional state you need to discuss this with your doctor. Print out the live journal entries as a starting point. And (since I'm being so agreeable here) I too have nothing to wear to a funeral. So... more hugs. I ain't the Goddess of Perk fer nothin'. ::smile::
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 12:45 pm (UTC)I'm actually about 40 minutes at most from Dover. I go there after work to write at a local cafe when I'm feeling up to it.
I'm not sure you'd have time for side trips or alternate visits what with Momly visits, but that's actually not that far. Just so you know. ;)
(I've been in contact with the office. They're going to call me back in a few.)
Wow!
Date: 2003-04-22 04:25 pm (UTC)Wow, I didn't know you were that close!
Here's the deal. I'm going to leave for Rhode Island on Friday at noon and hopefully will get there by 5:30/6:00. Then we're heading up to Dover to take
Let me know what happens when the office calls back! ::HUGS::
Hmm...
Date: 2003-04-22 10:10 am (UTC)a pair of comfy slippers
a good book
a cup of strong tea
a new doctor, or at least a new consultant on the surgery. I know of one (in my neck of the woods) that a mutal friend has been consulting with on a similar procedure. I can get contact info if you'd like.
In the mean time, I'd suggest calling apple and tell that Steve should get his denim covered ass in that plane they gave him and bring an you iPod that works and won't break in three weeks like the others have.
Be strong, mon ami
Mr Bankert
Re: Hmm...
Date: 2003-04-22 10:56 am (UTC)Dr. Fleet's trying his best. As for the surgical consultants -- we're doing the top of the line, after backing away slowly from another choice. Said top of the line takes inconvenient time, however. And in the meantime, we wait by the mailbox, hoping. Hoping.
Thank you, sir. As always, thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 10:18 am (UTC)1. Dad's heart specialist said that with any complex case, it's good to ask the doctor to review your case as if you were a first-time patient. Ask for explanations of how what you're taking right now helps with your problems right now. Look at emergent problems with interactions. See where there's unintentional duplication and overlap. Sometimes it's good to actually see a consulting doctor about this so that you're actually fresh to the reviewer, too.
2. Mom's naturopath, Dr. Tori Hudson here in Portland, has a directory of naturopaths and offered up these as possible referrals:
Portsmouth -- Ian Bier, James D'Adamo
Nashua -- Kristy Sassler
You may well find it worth your while to call and say that while you think you're getting good medical attention (if you do, that is), you'd like to see what additional options for improving your health you've got. You know things you'd like relief for and can express them clearly. That makes you a better potential patient than many. (And they may in turn know someone closer to you, if those are too far away.)
3. You need to let your primary doctor know just how bad you're feeling emotionally. If it helps, cut and paste LiveJournal entries as the framework of a letter, to make sure you get it down with sufficient strength. I know from personal experience how hard it can be to tell someone in person how really wretched one feels at the moment. Writing it out sometimes gets the point across better. See what you can do right now and what you can do to move up the timing of whatever's lurking on the horizon. This is serious, and you're entitled to say so. You may also want to use this as a good time to get a second opinion - grinding discouragement has physical consequences and is worth reviewing along with the stuff in item #1.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 10:59 am (UTC)I'm going to look into mental health stuff as well. There is psychology at work here, even if it is with good reason.
Thank you, Bruce. Very, very much.
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 11:10 am (UTC)You can't die yet.
Date: 2003-04-22 10:21 am (UTC)Don't try to be noble all the time. It's okay to be pissed off. And I agree with Mr. Bankert (amazing, that!) . . . it might be time for a second opinion.
In the meantime . . . tea, cozy slippers, good book. Pet your kitty (the world's BEST stress reliever!).
And know that we're thinking about you . . . and sending you good vibes . . . and good wishes.
::big hugs and smoochies too::
MRS. Bankert
Re: You can't die yet.
Date: 2003-04-22 11:00 am (UTC)I spend quite a bit of time pissed off or miserable at this point. And we've always approached this stuff as a team effort, not a single doctor's word. I've got the Cardiologist in 10 days as well, and will try and unload some of this on him too.
Thank you, as always, Princess B.
Re: You can't die yet.
Date: 2003-04-22 03:02 pm (UTC)I won't shop for your funeral. I'll show up at the damned thing naked.
And you'll be somewhere, floating around, tyring like all hell to claw your way back into your body, just so you can't shut your eyes away from the sight!
So THERE, Mr. Man! Dare me. Go ahead! DARE ME, BRUTHA!
Re: You can't die yet.
Date: 2003-04-23 03:41 am (UTC)I'll be at the funeral, and I don't need to have my eyes seared out. :^)))
Mr. Bankert
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-22 11:40 am (UTC)Much *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2003-04-23 03:41 am (UTC)Hang in there, kiddo.
I don't want to think about having
to live in a world that you're not in.
All my love,
Robin