The rant of sick.

[demiurgent]

This isn't a cry for help. This isn't the pit of despair. This isn't anything but what it is.

I can't take this any more. I'm ready to just die already. I'm sick of nausea. I'm sick of chemicals. I'm sick of odd fatigue. I'm sick of wondering every time I run out of breath if this is it, if it's back and the game's over. I'm sick of calling my doctor every week. I'm sick of waiting for surgery details that will never come. I'm sick of the drain. I'm sick of the exhaustion. I'm sick of the pain in my knees and back and feet. I'm sick of seeing what I've become when I look in the mirror. I'm sick of needing special treatment. I'm sick of needing, period.

When do you just say 'enough?' When is it noble to struggle and when is it noble to walk out onto the ice, sit and wait? When does nobility give way to pathos? To bathos?

I don't know. I just don't know.

Oh, and another freaking iPod's died on me. Just to add a little zeugma to this thing.

Comments

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Dearly.

[dansr.livejournal.com]

Friday evening (as in 3 nights from tonight) I'm going to be in... umm.. Dover, NH. sunpony's mom lives there and we're having supper with her. Saturday I'm in Concord, Mass for a wedding.

I know you're not really near Dover, but being that close I will thing extra special happy thoughts in your direction.

Love,

Mel :)

PS: More hugs. And I totally agree with the comment below that with your anger and depression and your emotional state you need to discuss this with your doctor. Print out the live journal entries as a starting point. And (since I'm being so agreeable here) I too have nothing to wear to a funeral. So... more hugs. I ain't the Goddess of Perk fer nothin'. ::smile::

[demiurgent.livejournal.com]

:cough:

I'm actually about 40 minutes at most from Dover. I go there after work to write at a local cafe when I'm feeling up to it.

I'm not sure you'd have time for side trips or alternate visits what with Momly visits, but that's actually not that far. Just so you know. ;)

(I've been in contact with the office. They're going to call me back in a few.)

Wow!

[dansr.livejournal.com]

When I talked with rabbi_thor (I always typo that Rabbit_ Thor ::giggle::) they said that they've never gone by Dover and so you were probably pretty far away from there.

Wow, I didn't know you were that close!

Here's the deal. I'm going to leave for Rhode Island on Friday at noon and hopefully will get there by 5:30/6:00. Then we're heading up to Dover to take sunpony's mom to dinner at umm... Yangzee's Chinese Restaurant. We're staying there that night and then Saturday morning we're heading down to Concord, Mass. We're already taking a side trip on Saturday to Salem. I have no idea if we could swing a Friday night visit with you. I have to discuss ....

Let me know what happens when the office calls back! ::HUGS::